Thursday, August 22, 2013


I tried to clear my mind. You, one of them who I had believed previously.. began to fade, slowly.. but sure. I donno if I can trust you or not anymore.. And I don't understand why should you?

Oh, I talked about my friends. I have a few friends. We were so close. Laughed together. Go home together. Ate together. Made homework together.. like a group. We have the same mission n vision. But it used to be. Once upon a time, in the past.. long time ago, before there was a split between us. Before they lick their own saliva. 
At that time I was sooo stupid cz always thought that we would always be together.
Tbh, I've ever felt afraid of losing them cz I really love them at that time.. I was too happy to have friends like them but all changed since the avatar come! Oops. X_X
Difficult to explain about it. Complicated. Till now, I still don't understand why it could be like this. I only know that there has been a conflict that I donno n I don't understand. I tried to improve our friendship n really hope we can be friends again as before cz I don't wanna lose them all. Asked them to talk each other. But it didn't work. Then I cried. My close friends with me too. We cried n they didn't know our tears. We lost them.
At least, we split into two. They r with their friends. And me? With my close friends right now that previously also with them. Vision n mission that we have built has no meaning. Not only that, I know the other part had taken them from me n my close friends now. That's too bad. Too hurt.. Sadness.. 

But we will never give up. Altough not complete as before, me n my close friends who already split with them, we tried to keep our friendship with our principle. We help each other. But at that same time I still wanna try to fix our friendship with them.. You-know-who.Even when they do bad things to me n my close friends, I still believe that we can still relate to each other well.. altough some of my close friends said they didn't care about them anymore. I knew they already feel hurt for several times.. That's why...

But unfortunately, there was no good change. Almost desperate. Even when there was some ppl as the 3rd person outside that aware about our split, care about it n wanna help us to fix it. though it still didn't work (again). Cz the 3rd person this case realized they aren't good enought to us.

Me n my close friends, we were always be together. After that I thought twice. Actually I still feel sad. But it looks like me n my close friends probably didn't fit with them. You-know-who. I should accept the fact. At least I realized that I still have GOOD friends like them. And I will try to be a good friend to them. Not bad. 

So I enjoyed my friendship right now. And things that makes me happy is some ppl as he 3rd person in this case always with me n my close friends till now. I got new GOOD friends! We got them n I am sooo glad. We really like family. We really close each other. I really love them! They are really precious! Thanks to Allah ;')

Ah but the point I'm talking about here is not that.  
Day by day I enjoyed my new friendship. We can say everything we want. Share each other. If there's something we don't like between us, we can say it to the person directly. We trust each other. Keep each other.

Btw, altough we don't close to our friends previously, finally we still can talk altough still there's a distance. We already forgive each other.
Suddenly one of my close friends told me that 'they' looks like envy to us cz we something they don't have. You-know-what? Something PRECIOUS we have. My close friends told me that sometimes 'they' disturb us. Come to us only when they need. I don't think so. Actually I still didn't realized. My close friends said they didn't care anymore n feel lazy when 'they' talk to my close friends. But at least my eyes opened.

You... one of them that I love as my friend previously.. 
You... one of them that always with me previously, that makes me feel afraid to lose you as my friend.. Even when my close friends right now said bad thing about you I still don't wanna believe it.

But.. you apparently have two faced. hypocritical. As my close friends said. First I didn't believe what my other friends told me about you n I don't wanna judge you like that for the granted until I found out some reality about you by accidentaly.
For the small example... Only small example but it's really have an effect. 
When you told me that you don't like her cz her attitude, when you told him that you don't like me cz my attitude, when you told them you don't like us cz our attitude, when you told us you don't like them cz their attitude. When you said "NO" in front of me but when we did a public forum you said "YES". Soooo funny, right?  Don't ya have a stance? Establishment?
Who do you think you are, perfect creatur? Do you think you are the most perfect in this world? Do you think all ppl like you n your attitude? Do you feel you are cool with your attitude that likes to says bad things about ppl to others behind them? Even in your friendship between your friends right now. You don't even wanna help your own friends for some case. I noticed you just wanna help ppl that r beneficial to you.
And that makes me feel a little emotion is when you said bad thing about one of my best friends. XYZXYZXYZ. You can say any bad things about me to other but DON'T EVER SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT PPL I LOVE IN MY LIFE!

Do you know? Sometimes I watched you. I even read pshycology books, consulted to several parties that better understand about it, include my mom cz I don't wanna see you in a negative light. This is terrible. I don't understand. But I know you are special for me, disturb my mental of course my mind too cz this is the 1st time I had a hard look at the positive side contained on someone. 
Actually not because I care about you but I used to observe ppl around me till think too much. So, not only you. I knew your nature or your attitude doesn't concern me but there's no feeling happy everytime you approached me. I don't hate you. And it doesn't mean you are evil cz I'm sure everyone has goodness absolutely. But I feel not calm, uncomfortable.. it feels like to get out of there.. I donno why.. I don't like this feeling..

All this time, I never thought badly to someone. Cz from the childhood, I had always been in a good environment, so I always think positive against anyone. Altough everyone has a bad side, but I could always see the good side of the person, even when I already know the bad side of them. That's why I tried to make it sure that I still can see you from the positive light. You donno that's really annoying to think about negative light. I just wanna feel calm when you approach me, I don't want you to disturb my mind with bad things.. I don't wanna feel uncomfortable, I don't want my mind turned into a mind that's not good. That's it.

But for sure, just like my close friends I'm starting feel lazy to talk everytime you are around me..
OMG.. WHAT A MIND! I also need to heal myself... ;'(

Since being a student in the college, I feel messed cz I'm not used to seeing things that had never happened in my environment previously. I need to open my eyes more n more to face the world around me..
I also feel myself bad for typing what I feel at this time. I'm not used to draw out my emotion. I'm not used to tell my heart, my mind, my feeling to someone else. But I couldn't stand it anymore. By typing here I can pull out what's on my mind n my heart altough not at all.. Cz this is my territorial...
I'm sorry...

 I know no body perfect. I hv to look inside myself deeply.. Fix it.

1 comment:

  1. aku sangat mengerti apa yang kamu rasa :)
    kita berdoa saja supaya dia lekas kembali seperti yang dulu :)