Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I'm trying to say さようなら :')

"Kyou o iki, kinou nokoto o kokufuku shinasai"

Do you still remember the beginning of our introductions?
The day when we get to know each others. yes, you are.
A Japanese guy that so attractive my heart n interested in me.
At that time u used to say that my face look similiar to Japanese actress. One of them is an actress in a movie of koizora lol You n yur friends agree about it www I donno why yuh n your friends said such a ridiculous thing. Cz when I looked at the mirror, seriously, I'm not similiar with her. She is pretty n I'm not lulz
And btw I still can't understand why the brother of Japanese model can be attracted to an ordinary girl like me? :')

Still remember? At that time, u asked a lot of things about myself. You always praised me altough I'm not too fond of the praise. I don't believe the sweet words easily cz I'm not a girl who has a high confidence. Almost everyday you say "I LIKE YOU" to me in the end of our conversation. Till we both realized that it was not just a LIKE but more. yes, that's LOVE. You n I, we r stuck in the same hole. We love each ther. This is the 1st we started building n story about us..
 Ah, I still remember the day when we were both tied a promise to be together. The day I felt so happy n you also feel the same, right? For the 1st time you said "You are mine and I'm yours". Then my body temperature heats up. Up with fever ahaha. I was too happy.

Sometimes I can't believe that you ever been mine.
I feel much didn't believe that you are not mine anymore...
Yes, you. My beloved teacher.
A teacher who drives me crazy. A teacher who's crazy about me..

Today isn't the same as previous days. Not the same as the day when I was still with you. When the sun greeted in the morning, I always receive a sweet msg from you, not anymore..
Me.. Who always hear your voice before fallin' asleep, not anymore...

At that time we were so compact. Not only as lovers.. But also as a teacher n a student, as good friend, as a brother n a sister, even as a parents n children. We encourage each other. Fight each other. I was your cat, you were my cat. Mr. Bird n Flower..

When I feel tired, you always volunteeres, pamper myself. You said yourself is where I go home. You said you were my hometown..
We both like medicine n drugs..
We complement each other...

I realized there's no day without you..
From waking till sleep again, u r always be there with me, anytime, anywhere, always be there for me...

Ppl laughed at me when I chose you. They asked what I see from you? I also laughed n replied "All the things that u've never seen" :)

 Like Taylor Swift lyrics - If This Was A Movie, right?

Wrapped up in your arms and our friends were laughing 'cause nothing like this ever happened to them.

Ya, ppl noticed us with odd views n strange mind. I don't understand why they r so concerned n so care about our relationship. But I know some of them feel envious cz I could have a man like you. I also know some of them also mocked n laughed at our back, behind us. Why? Bcos, we have so many differences. 
But IMO the differences that we have actually complement ourselves to each other, isn't it?
Don't ya think the differences that unite us into this relationship, do you?

I don't care about anything other ppl say. Only you n me simply that understood. This is us, not them. They won't understand n they don't need to understand cz they don't experience what we experience n what we feel. A collection of ppl who simply wanna satisfy their curiousity about our relationship. Then used as the gossip among them, right?

Do you still remember?
When you pride myself to your friends?
Do you still remember?
When your friends said they're envy with you that hv a lover like me?
Do you still remember?
When you hit one of your friends cz your friend have been mocking me?
Do you still remember?
When I had an accident n your face looked so worried altough I said I'm okay? 
All the memories r still so fresh n attached in my mind..

When I caught there was my name on your fingers for a few times.
When you listened to the song LOVE STORY by Taylor Swift in a day for 100 times for thinking about me.
When you made a rainbow by using water n light then you show it to me.
When you show that you've achieved the award cz of your geniuses n cleverness.
When you show the letter of  L, O, V, E  that you made by using the card.
When you made a sweet sentence in a piece of paper toward me. Sentences that make me smile. :)
When we watched a football together n support the same team.
When you called me (otp) after the lesson ended from the college n otw home. You didn't even let me fall asleep on the bus. 
When you gave a name to your ipod by using my name.
When you cried n forbade me when I've asked separated from you.
When we think each ther wherever we are.
That happy moments. Too many that I can remember till unable to share all of those here..

You, the one I knew at that time, really really want me. You are so afraid of losing myself. For the 1st time I felt so loved.
I feel happy n proud to be your 1st. However, is it possible that I'm also going to be your last..?

I still remember the day when you said that you won't lemme go forever. You asked me n convinced to hold that statement. Your sweet promises. You tried to convince me many times n asked me to trust you. You look so serious. Well, that's usually said by the men when they already in love.

Some men are easy to make a promise early n forget it easily in the end n some women trust easily. Indeed, some men always easy to forget the memories. I read it from some books. Sometimes some men also act out in his heart n sometimes against his heart, right?
Some women are sometimes less aware n didn't thinking twice. Here is where some weaknesses are seen. oyea, do you belong to the 'some' that?

Actually I don't need sweet promises cz I'm always thinking to get through it as it is. 
I don't really like to make a promise or promised by someone..
I'm afraid to hold that sentence even though you tried to convince me.
I don't wanna disappoint anyone n feeling disappointed by anyone or let this feeling into down just because I trust or I expect too much.. That's why I decided not to expect too much if it turns out like this in the end... yea.. as it is now...


I smiled when you tried to mention my full name. You even mention my full name many times along the way altough still gasping with unusual accent I've heard. Yea, cz you are a Japanese man. My smile more expand with a small laugh when you tried to say "I love you with all my affection" by using my language.
I replied to that sentence by using your language. Does it sound strange in your ears? I guess not, of course. your blush face when I say that I love you. So does, when I praised you with so hearty. Your face n your voice at that time still clearly visible in my memory...

One day you asked me to sing a song by YUI for you. And I did it! Little was amazed. Cz I don't like to sing, my voice isn't melodious, I really know that. But I did it, for the 1st time sing a song for 'someone'. Yes, you are. :')
I was nervous. My voice isn't good. As a mouse wedged the door ahaha. But you look happy n enjoying my discordant voice from my mouth.
And yourself? Sometimes sing a song (Love Story by Taylor Swift) for me for several times, even withot I ask. hihi. sweet. Altough you said you're nervous to sing for me but you always sing again n again for me n I really enjoyed it.

You said that my nature n my attitude too childlike. Sometimes you ask me to become more mature altough you also like my spoiled side. I don't understand. I just be myself n I love myself for what it is. But don't you realize that sometimes you also childlike? :p
I never asked yo to be more mature. I don't understand. In my eyes, you've seen mature enough n independent altough sometimes your childish side out so that made me wanna spoil you n treat you well. Looks sweet n adorable.

I smiled to myself when I'm trying to remember where the location of our similarities?
So many differences between us. Even for trivial things were different. I love sushi, you aren't. You love spagethi, I don't. I love laruku, you don't. You love jazz, I don't. Our language were different. I have a religion. How about you?
But you know what? It turns out we have something in common here. The located is on the feelings for each other, right? Yes, we love each other n we both get jealous easily. From feelings of jealous look adorable to ticks. 
At that moment I realized one thing. Instead differences that bring us together. Cz of a difference, that's why the smallest thing be able to complement us. Each other.


Day by day we spent together with full of happiness. Until one day you went on vacation n visited to a place. A place that reveals the truth by accident. The bitter fact that had been hidden. You look so hard n cried. Yes, we cried together. So painful n sad...
The fact that hard to believe...

I wanna be your power..
I wanna feel your wounds...
I wanna cure your pain...
I don't wanna let yourself be down... seem desperate...
Let me to be an encouragement of your life...

You still do your best to do your job as a professional by using a mask. Tough enough. You still dilligent, clever study n work hard altough in a circumstances of depressed . No one knows you are depressed behind the mask, but me.

At that time your emotions became unstable. You feel depressed with situation around you. Suddenly various problems begin toward you in repeatedly. I don't understand how come? How is this? Why this all had to happen to you..?
Every nite you r always complaining to me.. You feel hurt.. You're sad..
You are tired of circumstances. You always wonder, "Why do I have to experience this all?"

Don't you know? When a man or a woman is given trials of life by GOD, exactly because of him/her degree will be increased by GOD. That's why you're given a test. Yes, exams of increase the degree of your life..
But you won't understand n you don't wanna understand cz you said clearly that you don't have faith in GOD. 

Since that, you started to change slowly. Irregular emotions, can't be controlled easily. You become angry easily even just becase a small thing. I always try to make you feel calm, encourage yourself, convince yourself that in the end everything will be alright. But you, a an who always optimistic, suddenly turned into pessimist easily. So I feel what I did is useless completely..  But I couldn't leave you alone like that for the granted. At least I'll be by your side. I thought so.

At that time you started try to tie me. You don't let any men to touch me, even talk to me. You asked me to remove the exist male friends in my social network service, forbid conversation with my male friends, block all my exbf n men who tried to approach me. You feel it bother you if I have male idol or male singer. You said I only can admire a man as an idol. He is you. Cz u said you only have a female idol. You said she is me. OMG..
I don't understand. You started to look weird...

You asked me to make you the only one as my teacher. You began to monopolize me with crazy. Even when I'm late to reply your txt, it will be a problem. Almost anything in me could be a problem for you, such as my old picts with my male friends, n my male best friends or when you knew I did cosplay in my past, in fact it could be a trigger fights. Yea I know, u told me as Japanese man that in Japan has a negative connotation about otaku or anything about cosplay, BUT this is NOT in Japan. And I'm NOT otaku. And it's only a PAST..
For you, MY PAST just a problem that can make you hurt n cry...

I don't wanna be a wound for you, I don't wanna be a problem for you.. That's why I stupidly n bravely I deleted the old picts I had with my male friends n my male best friends only for yourself. You should know photograph is one thing that can't be practically unimportant. Altough only a pict can hv a msg or a story, right? It will never change even though the person in it has been changed. Just like you...

But it looks like what I did is useless.. Altough I've deleted these picts, you always bring this up.. My picts, my friends, my ex, my past,.. All the old picts n things like my past has always been a problem for you. My past n my past. Yes, that's only in the past. I thought so. We sometimes look back as a form of a lesson but life must go on, right?
You who brought it up, you blame me again n again, n you said you get hurt again...

No. Not only you who get pain.. Me too..
If your happiness is my happiness, your pain is my pain too...
But when I knew you were hurt cz of this self... Cz of this past... Cz of these picts..
So I also blame myself...
Sometimes can't stand about your attitude. Maybe you too, can't stand about my attitude. Everytime we fight, we would cry...
Hey, don't yo feel tired...?


When I allow you to interact with your female friends, you look so disappointed n asked me to monopolize yourself as you did to me. You said you'll be happy if I follow you. 
At first we had been tied each other. But don't you feel this is too over?
I donno are there's any affection in you for me? Yourself in my eyes? 
Only authoritarian n onsession that visible. That's it.

You began to arrange my clothes n my dress. You also set what music I should listen or not. You said I must follow you if we want our relationship is alright. So I tried to follow you. Tried to leave the things I like. Stupid girl, right?
But then I also feel how sad you are.. Sometimes I feel sorry..
Unpolite? But that's what I feel everytime I see you... 
At that time I had an assumption that all of this happened cz you were so shocked by the circumstances that have not been getting better..
On the one hand I feel you shouldn't arrange my whole life, on the other hand I feel understand that I can't let yourself circumstances of distress like this..
You who always says "I need you" to me...
I always wanted to be your power...
I don't wanna leave you..
It feels stab this heart when I saw how depressed you are..
What should I do...?

You make me confused..
You cried day by day...
Then angry to me easily..
You began to close yourself, but still tried to monopolize me..
I felt hard... You looks so close but also looks sooo far...
For the 1st time I found it difficult so face someone like you.. ;'(
Sho, your problem is my problem too..
I care so much to you... I have a great affection for you..
At that time I thought if by followng your wishes n will always be by your side it can make you feel better, I'll do that with all my heart...

I still remember the conversation between us at that nite.. Which is accompanied by the cries of us..
In the end, you realized that not all the things in me can I give to you easily. We realized that our differences r too great. Yah... RELIGION. Altough you wanna get into my religion, but your family won't let you. And impossible to me to follow you to release a faith in me. We both cried.. And finally we let go of each other.. Release each other...


Day by day began to feel different. We still communicate each other, but not as often as before. Still care about each other, still have affection each other, but not beling to each other..
Two months after that, three days after your birthday, you call me.
You asked me to come back...

You said you don't care about the differences between us, the important thing is we could be together forever. I'm so happy. Really. We started our story for the 2nd time. But the sentence out from you, "Pls follow me n we will always be together." The sentence that made me speechless for a while. I began to guess, would you try to monopolize me too strict for the 2nd time n ask me to monopolize yourself like you do? Oh...


Well, this isn't the same as before. Cz at that time there were times when I do rebel when all the things I love forbidden by you, set by you, arrange by yourself. Logically, we are not bound legally. You shouldn't set my whole life, right? I have a right to decide my own life. I thought so. But you will look sad every time I rebelled n didn't follow your wishes. You said that you missed 1st me when I always follow you. Don't you know? I also missed you.. You, the one that never arrange me previously... You.. in the beginning of our introductions that cheerful n excited...

However, we still need each other n still complement each other. Altough a lot of differences, altough in some case we aren't one mind, altough sometimes quarrel or fight, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that we love each other..

You get angry when I had some problems n didn't tell you. You get mad when I look closed about what I feel. At that moment I realized that here I've made a mistake. Actually cz I don't wanted to add my problem to you that getting many problems.. That's why..
Beside that, I didn't used to tell my troubles to others. Yea, I know you r not someone else. You are mine. I really regretted it. I didn't used to tell about myself too deeply to others cz usually I'm just used to being a listener. 
Yes, I know. Really know, I'm yours n you aren't someone else. I should be free to tell whatever I feel or what I'm experience to you...
Gomen nasai...

Even when we had a big fight n didn't contact each other..
You still care about me..
Asked how I was doing to my close friends..
From a distance that so far you keep watching n asking my close friends to take care of me..
How sweet you are.. ;')

But the destiny said another..
In the end, we were separated again for the 2nd time..
We lost our dreams that we've made..

We r still talking as a friend. Though not as often as before, but began to disappear.. Busy with our lives each other... Till really lost...

Can you imagine it to be someone who everyday holds back her tears?


I was really afraid of losing part of myself when I lost you..

Since that, I often cry, maybe almost everyday..
I try to hold back my tears, but when I realized that I had lost something precious..
Every time I remember the figure of yourself...

My tears flowed... 
I was wondering, where's my hometown?
You said I could call you whenever I want..
But where the hell are you now?
You are really disappearing...
Where are you...?
I lost you...
I'm still thinking of you... 

Let the actor who made this tears fall didn't know if between the rain drops, There r my tears falling...

Time goes so fast..
I'm surrounded by a lot of male friends. Good friends are always around me. Until there r some of my friends who tried to approach myself. But one day, only a man that makes me wondered n wanna know more about him. At that time he tried to aprroach me with his affection n his attention. So, I tried to love him. When I thought I've opened my heart to someone else.. apparently I realized one thing. To say affection (in this case about love, I mean fall in love) to someone is not as easy as turning the palm of the hand. I forced myself to love someone else. 
I'm waiting for someone else in, but the fact is I never tried to open my heart...

Yea... It shouldn't be enforced n can't be forced..
I found that the shadows of yourself still follow myself..
No, I can't...
I can't force myself to fall in love with another man..
I found that I've not been able to open my heart...
Am I not ready? I don't understand...
I just don't wanna give a false hope..
I don't want in relationship without heartfelt...
I can't lie to myself..

My sky still the same, still cloudy..
My pain is still worse, my wound is still red..
My heart is still bruising, my memory is cramping...

That's why..
I just let this feeling to you like this..
continued to flow..
As it is..
Altough sometimes I feel sick n hurt, but I'm enjoying it slowly..
Remember you.. till I forget..

In this cold nite, we hv exchanged stories otp, in tuck a few sweet words. I miss it. The days that we've been through so happy. Right, isn't it?

Am I still the only one even though you n I r no longer together? Are we still miss each other in a silence? Busy to hide away? No one dared to seek n express it?

And now..
I donno anymore about your condition..
How r you?
I went through the days without you..
I can continue to love you, in my own way, with my own secrecy, with my dark side...
But it looks like it's time to learn how to let you go..
It's time to learn how release..
I'll learn to open up this heart too..
Till there's someone here,, it's hard you know..?
But Sho, I'm sorry...

Surviving in the tears is an option,  
But if you can get a smile, why should stuck in the sadness?

I'll try to become stronger without your attendance..
I'm always hoping that you'll always be alright..
Please, be happy wherever you are..
I'll continue to pray for your happiness, even when your happiness no need myself anymore..

No memories of any one in this world who deserve forgotten - Momiji Furuba

So, when I try to open up this heart, it doesn't mean I stop forgetting you. I'll remember you someone really precious that ever been mine.

Let you go is a proof that I'm mature enough, heartfelt..
Please choose your way of life, Sir.

Thank you to ALLAH for having introduced me to this guy n give a chance to be with him altough it's only briefly :')

Thank you for the memories you have given me.
Thank you for the experience that you have given me.
Thank you for being part of my life.
Thank you for EVER LOVE me..
Thank you for your kindness, thanks for everything! ;')



No comments:

Post a Comment